Time

Time passes. I was always one to roll my eyes when someone older would lament at how fast time seems to fly and before I know it this or that will be long gone.  It always felt condescending to me.  I was a fairly seasoned 20 something chick, I had travelled, lived lots of life, some of it tough.  I was the hardest worker I knew.  Who the hell were they to tell me about time? I might have been young, but I knew.  I thought I did anyway.

If I had a dime for every time I wish I could go back and smack my younger self, someone else would be typing this blog as I drank margs and dictated it from across the deck of my ocean front view (attached to an integrative clinic and environmental sustainability education centre).  Just saying……

Of course, the bastards were right.  They were so damned right.  I had no idea no concept of what they were talking about.  Not until I had my daughter. That sounds so cliche it almost makes me nauseous to type.  I wish it wasn’t true, but it is dammit.
We all have our own markers for time.  Anniversaries of all kinds that remind us of another year since a certain time or event.  But nothing brings into painfully sharp focus the passage of time more than your own child.

I get caught up in life, I admit it.  Day in and day out, I get through, do what I need to and try to stay present at least part of time.  And while I love hanging out with my babes, I admit there are moments it feels somewhat monotonous.  Like time just drumming along.
Tomorrow marks 4 years since the birth of my baby girl.  When you spend everyday with a small person, you don’t always notice how fast they are changing.   Somedays all I notice is how exhausting all this is and I feel like I’m living for bedtime.  But when I take the time to look back and reflect, it takes my breath away.

It is heart breaking too.  In part because I really can’t impress upon you how fast she went from being the brand new baby girl to the force of nature she is today.  I wish I could somehow put into words just how bloody quickly everything changes.   And secondly because I realize how often I am just not paying attention.  Now I think I’m a pretty decent parent and I do my best.    There are times when she’s asked the 500th and 501st question of the day, that I just kinda of want to tape her mouth shut so I can finish even one coffee today.  But she is at this wonderful stage where everything is new and she wants me to be a part of it.

I can see it shifting.  I can see that every day, she needs me less and less.  And this is a good thing of course.  And on the days I really want to reach for the tape, I remember that before I know it, she won’t care anymore to ask me.  The thing I’ve learned about parenting is that you are literally going around doing your best to make yourself obsolete.  You have to give 1000% of your heart and your time to someone who in the beginning literally needs you for EVERYTHING.  You try to teach them everything you can and the whole purpose of it is that in the end, they don’t need you anymore at all.

The problem is that it happens too fast.  And no matter how present you are, when it happens, you aren’t ready for it.  And as proud as you are, it also really hurts.  So much you almost want to go back and undo all that independence BS.  But you don’t, because you know its not about what you want.  Its about what they need.

I remember clearly the first step she took.  They were on her 1st birthday, she launched herself from her Aunt and into my arms.  We were all so excited, especially her!  But what I don’t remember is the last time she reached out to me to hold my hand so I could walk down the stairs with her.   I remember her first time on a swing and the joy in her face when I pushed her as high as I could.  I don’t remember the last time she needed a push from mommy at all.   We are working hard to get her to sleep in her own bed all night right now.  And she’s doing well.  But last night when she had a bad dream and wanted to crawl in beside me, I couldn’t say no.  Because I have no idea when the last time she will want to cuddle with me like that will come, but I know when it does, I’ll miss it with all my heart.

I think most parents get this but I’m sure like me, the reminder is sometimes nice.  And for those of you that don’t have kids or who feel like 20something TL did about this whole time thing,  I would love it if you would try and take this message to heart.  You truly only have to think about today.  All you really need to do today is find something or someone
you love and just be there.  Tomorrow will come and when it does, you can worry about it then.  It all happens so fast.  Don’t miss the joy that is right in front of you, right now.   It will change, it will end.  And yes, new joys will come.  But this right here, right now.  This is your time.  Cherish it.  Embrace it.  Love.